Chapter 184: In the Field of Hope
After Ade took Loran's call and left, the large house was empty and only Lacus was left alone. The sudden bad news made her feel so bad that she didn't have much appetite for dinner. She left a note for Momoka at the table, and then went to her room and sat on the edge of the bed.
She knew that Loran had probably gone to ask Aeolia, that C.C. and Ange had gone to look for Lilith, and that she had to stay at home, not knowing what she could do. What she was good at was meaningless at present, leaving her to watch everything like an outsider, powerless to participate in it at all.
But the thought that the whole matter was somehow caused by her, guilt overwhelmed her. She kept saying that she wanted to destroy everything, but once she actually saw with her own eyes the man she loved about to disappear, her past insistence seemed to become meaningless in an instant, leaving only an endless sense of guilt.
The drawer of the bedside table was opened, and a chic dagger was placed inside, the edge of which shone with a seductive chill in the light of the bedroom. It had been brought back from Dakar, and had little character other than its sharpness and barely commendable appearance, a souvenir bought in haste to cover up a secret meeting with Setsuna.
Lacus picked up the dagger and pressed it to her arm, the cool touch making the skin tighten. With the slightest force of the wrist holding the handle, the blade cut through the skin, severing veins and piercing muscles as beads of bright red blood seeped out and dripped over her arm onto her skirt. The pleasure of the pain let her close her eyes and let out a small moan.
However, this didn't last long. With the help of the huge amount of nanobots in her body, the wound began to heal slowly, the lost blood was replenished, and even the pain was relieved. The guilt once again poured back in like a tidal wave, and the only way to get more comfort was to keep making new wounds.
By the time she came back to her senses, her skirt was dyed dark red.
"Oh no, Mineva is coming back." Lacus thought unexpectedly, "I'll have to wash the dress off before she comes back."
She wiped clean the knife and put it back, and double-checked that there were no bloodstains on the floor or the sheets, before leaving the room with confidence. After coming to the bathroom, taking off her clothes, and stuffing them into the washing machine, Lacus hesitated for a moment and decided to take a shower first.
Turning on the shower switch, the warm water poured down on her head, sliding through her long hair, chest, stomach, and legs, and finally into the ground. The sound of splashing water filled the ears, completely masking the breathing and heartbeat. The body that was a little cold because of blood loss gradually became warm, and the brain that had been down for a long time finally began to function slowly.
"Hey, Lacus." She asked herself, "When exactly did it start to become like this?"
She had always felt guilty towards C.C., and the more time she spent with C.C., the more she realized how precious he was to C.C. that she had cruelly taken him from her. She doesn't hate Ange, but she can't help but be jealous of the wild emotions that Ade shows when he was with Ange, which he had shown when he was with her.
She was the daughter of a politician, and her education had taught her that Ade's love for her could be called exemplary in relation to his position. Just looking at Char's attitude to women, that's the norm for people in high places. She even knew that her father had his own "little secret" when he was alive, but she pretended not to know as a daughter.
And when did it start? From which moment did this feeling of betrayal, of her feelings being questioned, begin? Without any pause, that fragment entered her brain relentlessly, and a low growl rang out mixed with the watery sounds.
"How could you …" The hot water ran over her cheeks, mixed with something else, "… how could you let Char Aznable come into our house?"
She had no prejudice against Mineva, except that she thought the little girl was too precocious. But she couldn't stand, by any means, that the man who had killed her father had appeared in the house belonging to her and him as if nothing had happened, and the man had walked in with her husband's approval.
She didn't think her husband was stupid enough to do such a thing, so there was only one answer — he forget it.
So what exactly was she to him? Was she some kind of collectible? After getting her, he would carefully put her in the glass cabinet and take her out to play when he thought of her? Does he remember when she fell in love with him and what events led to her falling in love with him? Is this something that can be forgotten?
Although Ade tried hard to show his care to her, and she kept trying to paralyze herself with the excuse that her husband's emotional intelligence was too low, the realm of reality and imagination had become blurred.
C.C. is the most important person to him, Ange is his favorite person, Mineva has a special meaning to him. Only she herself seems to be a character added by the author of this book on a whim and tossed aside after use. She lives in this house, but she always feels that she is the only one who doesn't fit in with everyone else.
This kind of suspicious and dark thoughts keep eating away at her sanity, so she can't help but feel inexplicably alienated from everyone. And every time she feels inexplicably alienated, it seems to confirm the correctness of the previous dark thoughts. After a vicious cycle, she inevitably slides into an abyss of self-destruction.
In fact, Ade has tried countless times, each time she was touched and enjoyable. But she doesn't know how to stop and can not take the initiative to stop. The throat was blocked by fear, she couldn't even shout out for help, and she could only watch herself rushing towards self-destruction with the one she loves.
"If you want to die, you can die alone, look what you did." The hoarse voice simply doesn't sound like it's coming from her voice, "Until the end, he didn't even know who the murderer is, ha … ha … ha ha ha ha ha…"
Yes, 'until the end'—she didn't think Ade could make it through this time.
Although Ade tried to make a cheerful appearance since the incident started, he held no hope from the start, and she trusted her husband's judgment.
In other words, considering that he has to leave quite a bit of time for Mineva, and maybe even need time to say something to Shinn and the others, the conversation before leaving the house is most likely the last conversation she will have with him.
"After getting so much from him but giving him nothing, should I say that you are shameful? Or pathetic?" She raised her slender white neck and let the water lap her cheeks, "At least do something that only you can do at the end of the day, right?"
Turning off the shower, drying off, and changing into pajamas, Lacus glanced at the washing machine in passing. The clothes were already drying and it was completely unnoticeable that they had been stained with blood.
Leaving the bathroom and coming into the living room, she was just in time to see Momoka greeting Mineva for dinner. The maid hadn't prepared her share, so Momoka must have seen the note she left. She walked straight up to Mineva, hugged her, and let her go at once when the little girl looked at her in shock.
"Sister Lacus?" Mineva asked suspiciously, "Did … something happen?"
"I can understand you liking Ange, it's hard not to like her after all." She gently stroked the little girl's soft hair, "But don't be too mean to C.C., she's not easy."
"What's going on?" Mineva alerted up, "Is it something bad?"
"Although it's not appropriate to say something like that to a child, I always feel like you'll definitely become a love interest if you grow up." Lacus said to herself, "If that day really comes, I'll forgive you in advance."
After saying that, she intimately pinched the little girl's cheeks and turned to go upstairs without looking back, leaving Mineva and Momoka to look at each other in confusion.
By the time she returned to the bedroom, the smell of blood had been completely removed by the excellent ventilation system. She threw herself onto the bed and casually picked up the phone on the bedside table, finding Ayanami Rei's name from the address book at a glance.
Ade had somehow preconceived the idea that Ayanami Rei was a simple-minded, quiet character, to which Lacus could only say that he was too unsuspecting of pretty women, but that didn't matter much nowadays.
She sent a text message to Ayanami Rei, asking her two questions, and Rei replied quickly.
"Can Innovators live in LCL like NTs? Can two NTs who live in LCL talk?"
"Yes, but they can't change back. NTs can talk, but I'm not sure if Innovators can talk."
Getting the answer, she tossed the phone aside, hugged her knees contentedly. Her long pink hair hung down and covered her face.
Not sure means there is a possibility, so it's worth a try. This is the only salvation for her who has done so many irreparable things, and it is something that only she can do.
The only regret is not being able to tell him the truth in the end, in case the answer to the second question is no, then she really has to spend the rest of her life in a test tube with regret.
With a hint of fear and more relief, Lacus quietly closed her eyes. Until, after an unknown amount of time, the sound of the bedroom door being opened woke her up.
Ade miraculously appeared in front of her, and the pounding heart in her chest told her she was not dreaming. For some reason, her mouth felt a little dry. This is really the last chance, Ade reached out to her, and she tried with all her strength to grab it.
Courage, she needed courage. Just half a step forward, just hold his hand here, then I can have no remorse. No matter what the answer to the second question is, I can meet the future with happiness.
"Ade, I—"
"君の姿は~仆に似ている~同じ世界を见てる、君がいる事って~"
… It's over, again, I should have known it. I guess this is retribution. I deserve it, this is the end I deserve, but I still can not help but … have delusions.
Please, just once, say no, say no, say no!
There was a moment of silence, the music ended abruptly, and then she heard the most beautiful voice in the world, "No."
'What kind of expression should I make at a time like this?' She had no clue, and only by trying to put on a smile could she keep herself from crying out. If she suddenly burst into tears now, he would be troubled, right?
"I clearly feel that the rest of my life is like a candle in the wind." The man in front of her showed a hopelessly bitter smile, "So even if I am reluctant, I have to prioritize the remaining things."
No, I'm going to laugh out. It must be ugly to put on a face when you want to cry and laugh at the same time, right?
"C.C. is my indispensable coordinates in this world, Ange can always ignite my twisted impulses, only with you, it's a kind of pure love feeling. I don't know what percentage of love seems to be on your side, but on my side, it's 100 percent, so from a certain point of view, you're special to me."
Gosh, you can't mention other women in your love talk! But with his emotional intelligence, she can't ask for too much, such a statement is satisfactory enough to her.
"I knew for sure that I was wrong, so I kept thinking about what went wrong at the earliest, and only recently did I figure it out. It was Char. At that time, I was full of Embryo in my head, ignored your feelings, and even invited Char to the house. I made such a serious mistake, I was really a fool. I'm sorry."
…I forgive you, really.
"Ribbons is probably dead, right? You have the Laplace program, right? Did you draw the angel out too? Char also knew about it and probably threatened you with it, didn't he? I'm sorry for being a fool for not realizing all this until Char reminded me. I'm sorry."
Not stupid at all, idiot, you're too smart for that.
"I'm sorry that I kept apologizing. I shouldn't leave you these bad memories. I also know this is not good, but I'm just… a little scared. I always have a bad feeling that once I become LCL, I'll never be able to talk to anyone again, and just thinking about it makes me … me …"
"I'll be there for you." Lacus hugged him and said tenderly, "Wherever you go, no matter what you become, I'll be there for you."
He didn't understand, and that's okay, I can't make him feel guilty. Guilt is a terrible thing, and I know this the most.
"It's almost time." He said with a sigh, "It's time to say goodbye."
Not necessarily, maybe we'll see each other again.
"I want to hear you sing." He paused and tried to look relieved, "The day, your dad, no, our dad snuck a picture of you and a record into my hand, and you officially came into my life from that moment on. So, guess what I wanted to hear?"
Of course she remembered, of course she knew. She cleared her throat and started the song. The voice was clear and the intonation was spot on. In her song, in her arms, his body began to slowly soften and lose its form. Until her vision became blurred, she still struggled to maintain her singing voice. She didn't stop until a hallucination appeared before her eyes.
Was it a delusion caused by the tears? She clearly remembered that she was in the bedroom, but the room seemed to have turned into the universe, and she saw the silvery starlight in the sky in a trance.
